Excess

I've never been one for journaling, but writing a lot has really helped me get through this whole breakup thing. It forces me to work out my thoughts until they are coherent enough to put into real words. Usually I just let them stay all jumbled up in my head and that's just not a good way to go about things. So write I will!

Before I left you mentioned something about expectations. Rather, you asked if I was unhappy because I had some that were not yet met. I denied it at the time, but over the last few weeks I've bounced that word - expectations - around in my head.

You are damn right I'm disappointed my expectations weren't met.

I packed up my life and moved. With you. And I'll say it a bajillion times, I don't regret it for a second - it was absolutely the right thing to do. You were worth it. WE were worth it.

We left with the understanding that moving was going to be one step - albeit a BIG step - on our little relationship journey. And when we moved we both made a huge commitment to each other. But it wasn't THE commitment, it wasn't 'til death do us part' and I think I'm a little upset by that.

Everything went perfectly. Too perfectly, you've said. I agree. We were in our own little happy world in Brooklyn, NY and things were wonderful - absolutely wonderful. And still you balked when I brought up marriage. Its not like I was looking to marry you tomorrow - but it would have been nice to talk about that part of the future. Instead, you liked to change the subject. Hit the ignore button. And that, quite frankly, made me feel like crap. I wanted to hear that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me, and not just after I broke up with you. And I knew it - I felt it - but that's just not the same as hearing you say it.

Its not fair to you, and I know that. You made the same commitment I did when we moved. It just felt so different because you have such a big reason to be in New York, and my only reason was you. But I needed a little reassurance sometimes that I didn't move all the way the hell out there with you for no good reason. I needed you to be a little more open to discussing where our relationship was headed; it wasn't enough for me to just think so. And quite truthfully, in the fall I was more than ready to have that stupid ring on my finger. I practically planned a wedding while I wasn't doing much of anything at work those first few months. Turns out I was a lot more ready than you thought.

I'm sorry this is something I never discussed with you. I felt so uncomfortable bringing it up because of how little you liked talking about it. I remembered arguing with you at my dad's house before we moved, and I didn't want to argue about it again. It is a pretty ridiculous thing to argue about. So I never did bring it up. I'm sorry I expected you to figure that out on your own, and that it bothered me so much when you didn't. I've definitely learned how important communication is in a relationship, and while I know that doesn't help you out much, thank you so much for teaching me such an important lesson.

Ahhhhhh it feel so nice to vent vent vent. SO glad D doesn't read this thing :)