Last time I was here I was so (so!) fired up about life. I was going to tackle life! And blog about it! Wooo!
4 months later - oops - and nary a peep.
But don't think I didn't think about it. I did. I just was struggling with what to say. What to write. How to say it. Oh, and that school thing. That.
Then I had a light bulb moment. My blog should be about ME. Cue clouds parting, sunshine beaming down, and angels singing. This probably also counts as a "duh, you idiot" moment.
So. Here it goes.
I finished my first year of PA school two weeks ago, and since then I have kinda had a life. I went on a few trips. I made some new friends. I ate some good food and drank some good beer. I've hiked and swam and cooked and not slept as much as I should. I had some friends and family come visit. I crossed some things off my bucket list. Its been good.
And now second year is approaching with its own set of anxieties and challenges. I'm scared to death I'll kill a patient. I'm going to hate getting used to a new office every 5 weeks. I won't like being away from my little home. I'm nervous that I don't actually know a thing about medicine.
But I'm excited. And now that I have a life to tell you about - I'm going to start actually telling you about it. Which means you should be excited, too!
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Sunday, February 17, 2013
A Year Later
Blogging is not my thing. It's not that I don't like it - I do! I love the catharsis I get from writing, and sometimes spend an hour "study break" to read through my old posts and remember the times, good and bad. I don't blog because I just don't think about it. When significant things happen, I never think, "OH! I should blog about this!" even though I should. And as it goes, the things that seem insignificant (but really are the things that matter) get tossed aside.
I'm going to do better.
And not just at blogging, either. At life. At having things to blog about.
Most of my days/weeks go as follows: wake up before the sun. Trek to school in wind/cold/rain. Sit on my ever-growing butt for 8 hours, learning. Trek home through continuing wind/cold/rain. Play with the beastie for a minute or two. Sit on my aforementioned butt and study.
But my jeans can't take it any more, and neither can I.
When we started this program we were told, in not quite these words, to put our lives on hold. Tell family and friends you'd be MIA. Quit jobs, teams, other commitments. Prepare for a barrage of information. Prepare to be cracked, even broken, but to come out better on the other side for having lived through it. I can't help but think: is this an educational program, or is this war?
I'm so happy to have school in my life. I've worked hard to get here and I appreciate this opportunity. Not many people get the chance to stop their lives, have no responsibility but to learn, to become educated in the science and to become proficient at this art, to study the thing they are most passionate about. That's a pretty rare gift. I catch myself at least once a week - even still, 9 months in - in awe at the fact that I was accepted, how amazing my classmates are, and how special these 26 months really, really are.
But - and there's always a but - how much stress, loneliness, and time is that opportunity worth?
One of my biggest goals and personal challenges in life is attaining some sort of personal balance. I tend to go all-in to things, or not nearly enough. I struggle to find a happy medium between consuming and fasting. I'm working toward, to continue the analogy, a life where I can sample until I find something I like enough to commit. Like a beer tasting flight. Nobody should be getting drunk or leaving sober after a beer tasting flight, but one should have a better idea of what you want to drink. My goal/theory is to beer-tasting-flight life.
Starting now (never mind that its before noon as I write this)
I want to do things. I want to blog about them. I want to laugh more and spend less time at my desk. I want to remember what day of the week it is and eat healthfully. I want to cook more and run more and swim more and hike more - I really, really want to hike more. I want to love on my doggie and make more friends and sacrifice a little sleep. I want to not feel guilty about watching TV occasionally, or running errands, or doing other things necessary for life. I want to think about things that aren't medicine, read books that aren't about physiology, and stop referencing Current in normal conversation (even though its kind of been my bible lately) (and even though I think that doesn't count as "normal" conversation) (on a related note, I want to remember what "normal conversation" is).
Get ready to hear a lot more from me, kids.
I'm going to do better.
And not just at blogging, either. At life. At having things to blog about.
Most of my days/weeks go as follows: wake up before the sun. Trek to school in wind/cold/rain. Sit on my ever-growing butt for 8 hours, learning. Trek home through continuing wind/cold/rain. Play with the beastie for a minute or two. Sit on my aforementioned butt and study.
My happy beastie
But my jeans can't take it any more, and neither can I.
When we started this program we were told, in not quite these words, to put our lives on hold. Tell family and friends you'd be MIA. Quit jobs, teams, other commitments. Prepare for a barrage of information. Prepare to be cracked, even broken, but to come out better on the other side for having lived through it. I can't help but think: is this an educational program, or is this war?
I'm so happy to have school in my life. I've worked hard to get here and I appreciate this opportunity. Not many people get the chance to stop their lives, have no responsibility but to learn, to become educated in the science and to become proficient at this art, to study the thing they are most passionate about. That's a pretty rare gift. I catch myself at least once a week - even still, 9 months in - in awe at the fact that I was accepted, how amazing my classmates are, and how special these 26 months really, really are.
But - and there's always a but - how much stress, loneliness, and time is that opportunity worth?
One of my biggest goals and personal challenges in life is attaining some sort of personal balance. I tend to go all-in to things, or not nearly enough. I struggle to find a happy medium between consuming and fasting. I'm working toward, to continue the analogy, a life where I can sample until I find something I like enough to commit. Like a beer tasting flight. Nobody should be getting drunk or leaving sober after a beer tasting flight, but one should have a better idea of what you want to drink. My goal/theory is to beer-tasting-flight life.
Tasting flights with some friends in LA
Starting now (never mind that its before noon as I write this)
I want to do things. I want to blog about them. I want to laugh more and spend less time at my desk. I want to remember what day of the week it is and eat healthfully. I want to cook more and run more and swim more and hike more - I really, really want to hike more. I want to love on my doggie and make more friends and sacrifice a little sleep. I want to not feel guilty about watching TV occasionally, or running errands, or doing other things necessary for life. I want to think about things that aren't medicine, read books that aren't about physiology, and stop referencing Current in normal conversation (even though its kind of been my bible lately) (and even though I think that doesn't count as "normal" conversation) (on a related note, I want to remember what "normal conversation" is).
Get ready to hear a lot more from me, kids.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
A Return
The last several months have been some of the most difficult of my life. I won't go into great detail, but rather gloss over the challenges I've faced... then focus on all the really freaking good stuff that's happened lately.
In June, my friend had his accident. He's doing great now, thank goodness, but those first few weeks were some of the most heartbreaking moments of my life.
In July I went on vacation with my entire family. I had a blast, as usual, but it was a bittersweet trip as we said goodbye to my family's vacation home. I spent every summer since I was born in that house and the end of the era was sad for everyone.
In August I started a new job and my last semester of grad school version 1.0. This semester was my busiest so far, and I slept way less and stressed way more than anticipated.
In September the bank foreclosed on the house I grew up in. We packed it up said goodbye to house #2.
In October I left a long relationship, the home we lived in (#3!), and the life we'd been building, not because anything was wrong but because it just wasn't right. I leased a bedroom in a new house and worked on building a new life, alone. This was without a doubt the most difficult thing I've ever done.
In November I got into a car accident and totaled my little car.
At this point I started feeling a little woe-is-me, until a read a funny quote: if life gets harder, you must have just leveled up. I felt like an adult, for real, for the first time.
Starting exactly 1 hour after my accident, life started looking up. When I finally made it to my destination that night I met a really nice boy.
On November 17th I interviewed at my dream grad school. I walked out of the door feeling incredibly confident about how the interview had gone - and for good reason. On November 27th, I got the phone call I'd been waiting for since 2008. I'd been accepted.
On November 18th I took my master's degree comprehensive exam. I passed with flying colors.
On November 19th I bought a new car.
On December 5th I spent the most important $700 of my life, on my grad school deposit.
On December 15th I finished my first master's degree. I finished with a program GPA of 4.0 and total post-baccalaureate GPA of 3.9.
On December 19th my part time job (which I absolutely love) was made into a full time position for me.
And today, Christmas Eve. I thought it would be a lot harder, this first year without the house, but I'm at peace. I get to spend the holidays with my brother and one sister as well as some friends and I've never felt so lucky. Its hard to live so far away from everyone (and getting further next year!) but there's so much love its aggressive.
Its a little early for end-of-the-year reminiscing, but that's not going to stop me here. Lately I've had the feeling that this moment, right now, is exactly where I'm supposed to be in my life. I have a master's degree. I have a wonderful job in a great organization doing something that makes a difference in the world. I have an acceptance letter to a top 10 ranked program in the field of my dreams. I have a great new relationship that is so exactly what I want right now it scares me. And most importantly, I have such an amazing, loving, supportive family it hurts. The good that is overflowing in my life right now makes up for the rough patch I went through a hundred times over, and I can't wait to see the good and that bad that will come in 2012. If, one year from today, I can reflect on the coming months with half as much appreciation, pride and thankfulness I'll consider myself the luckiest girl on the earth.
Merry Christmas, friends.
In June, my friend had his accident. He's doing great now, thank goodness, but those first few weeks were some of the most heartbreaking moments of my life.
In July I went on vacation with my entire family. I had a blast, as usual, but it was a bittersweet trip as we said goodbye to my family's vacation home. I spent every summer since I was born in that house and the end of the era was sad for everyone.
In August I started a new job and my last semester of grad school version 1.0. This semester was my busiest so far, and I slept way less and stressed way more than anticipated.
In September the bank foreclosed on the house I grew up in. We packed it up said goodbye to house #2.
In October I left a long relationship, the home we lived in (#3!), and the life we'd been building, not because anything was wrong but because it just wasn't right. I leased a bedroom in a new house and worked on building a new life, alone. This was without a doubt the most difficult thing I've ever done.
In November I got into a car accident and totaled my little car.
At this point I started feeling a little woe-is-me, until a read a funny quote: if life gets harder, you must have just leveled up. I felt like an adult, for real, for the first time.
Starting exactly 1 hour after my accident, life started looking up. When I finally made it to my destination that night I met a really nice boy.
On November 17th I interviewed at my dream grad school. I walked out of the door feeling incredibly confident about how the interview had gone - and for good reason. On November 27th, I got the phone call I'd been waiting for since 2008. I'd been accepted.
On November 18th I took my master's degree comprehensive exam. I passed with flying colors.
On November 19th I bought a new car.
On December 5th I spent the most important $700 of my life, on my grad school deposit.
On December 15th I finished my first master's degree. I finished with a program GPA of 4.0 and total post-baccalaureate GPA of 3.9.
On December 19th my part time job (which I absolutely love) was made into a full time position for me.
And today, Christmas Eve. I thought it would be a lot harder, this first year without the house, but I'm at peace. I get to spend the holidays with my brother and one sister as well as some friends and I've never felt so lucky. Its hard to live so far away from everyone (and getting further next year!) but there's so much love its aggressive.
Its a little early for end-of-the-year reminiscing, but that's not going to stop me here. Lately I've had the feeling that this moment, right now, is exactly where I'm supposed to be in my life. I have a master's degree. I have a wonderful job in a great organization doing something that makes a difference in the world. I have an acceptance letter to a top 10 ranked program in the field of my dreams. I have a great new relationship that is so exactly what I want right now it scares me. And most importantly, I have such an amazing, loving, supportive family it hurts. The good that is overflowing in my life right now makes up for the rough patch I went through a hundred times over, and I can't wait to see the good and that bad that will come in 2012. If, one year from today, I can reflect on the coming months with half as much appreciation, pride and thankfulness I'll consider myself the luckiest girl on the earth.
Merry Christmas, friends.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Crazy Summer
I can't believe how quickly those last few months went by! I had, in a word, a crazy summer.
A few days after my last post I got a phone call. The worst phone call. It was news from home that a close friend had been in an accident, and his chances of survival were slim. I didn't hesitate for one second, just packed up my things, made a few phone calls, and drove straight home.
I won't get into the gory details, but, thankfully, my friend did survive. He has since been moved from the ICU to the regular hospital, then from the hospital to an inpatient rehab facility. The doctors and nurses at the hospital call his recovery a miracle. Myself, his friends and family are just elated that he is going to be OK, but needless to say its been a rough couple of months for everyone.
When this happened I was knee-deep in marathon training. While I was home I tried to keep up with my schedule, but I spent a lot of time at the hospital and the rest of my time asleep. When I could finally return to "real life" at the end of July, I was way behind on training, but committed to making up lost time and preparing for October 9th.
But, here's the thing: I can't do it. I won't short change myself on my first marathon. I won't kill myself to be able to run 26.2 in 3 short months. Most importantly, I won't do this unless my heart is really in it, and right now, its just not. School starts this week, I just started a new job, and I'm still driving home every chance I have to support my friend. I can't make that many commitments, and at the moment, running has to be a lower priority than other things in my life.
All funds I've raised still go right to Team in Training, and I'm proud of every dollar! I'd like to say a BIG thank you to those of you that supported me through my short TnT journey. I plan on making another attempt at TnT when I'm in a better place to do so, and will definitely be blogging about it when the time comes.
A few days after my last post I got a phone call. The worst phone call. It was news from home that a close friend had been in an accident, and his chances of survival were slim. I didn't hesitate for one second, just packed up my things, made a few phone calls, and drove straight home.
I won't get into the gory details, but, thankfully, my friend did survive. He has since been moved from the ICU to the regular hospital, then from the hospital to an inpatient rehab facility. The doctors and nurses at the hospital call his recovery a miracle. Myself, his friends and family are just elated that he is going to be OK, but needless to say its been a rough couple of months for everyone.
When this happened I was knee-deep in marathon training. While I was home I tried to keep up with my schedule, but I spent a lot of time at the hospital and the rest of my time asleep. When I could finally return to "real life" at the end of July, I was way behind on training, but committed to making up lost time and preparing for October 9th.
But, here's the thing: I can't do it. I won't short change myself on my first marathon. I won't kill myself to be able to run 26.2 in 3 short months. Most importantly, I won't do this unless my heart is really in it, and right now, its just not. School starts this week, I just started a new job, and I'm still driving home every chance I have to support my friend. I can't make that many commitments, and at the moment, running has to be a lower priority than other things in my life.
All funds I've raised still go right to Team in Training, and I'm proud of every dollar! I'd like to say a BIG thank you to those of you that supported me through my short TnT journey. I plan on making another attempt at TnT when I'm in a better place to do so, and will definitely be blogging about it when the time comes.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Finding Motivation
Sometimes motivation comes from the most unlikely of places.
Since I'm only 1 week and 3 days into marathon training, which is almost 4 months long, its a leeetle early for my motivation to be waning. Yet, when I came home from work today I really just didn't want to head out on my scheduled run. It was my first tempo run, and after the ridiculous amounts of soreness and fatigue I experienced on Sunday's recovery run let me know exactly how un-strong I am I was not looking forward to feeling my cardiovascular un-fitness. Boo. Also, strep has been going around at work and although I haven't succumbed (yet?) I haven't felt like my normal healthy self either.
When I got home I fell into my normal "I don't want to run" business. I found something mildly pressing (example: sweeping the floors), made it exceedingly important (MUST! SWEEP! NOW!), and set to work. Before I got too far I somehow stumbled across this hilarious flow chart here, and wouldn't you know, 5 minutes later I had laced up my shoes and was headed out the door. And its a good thing I did, because if I hadn't I wouldn't have done 3 miles with 9 minute splits. I have a long way to go, but in week 2 I'm only 30 seconds off my 10k race pace. And ya know what... I'm not unhappy with that at all!
Since I'm only 1 week and 3 days into marathon training, which is almost 4 months long, its a leeetle early for my motivation to be waning. Yet, when I came home from work today I really just didn't want to head out on my scheduled run. It was my first tempo run, and after the ridiculous amounts of soreness and fatigue I experienced on Sunday's recovery run let me know exactly how un-strong I am I was not looking forward to feeling my cardiovascular un-fitness. Boo. Also, strep has been going around at work and although I haven't succumbed (yet?) I haven't felt like my normal healthy self either.
When I got home I fell into my normal "I don't want to run" business. I found something mildly pressing (example: sweeping the floors), made it exceedingly important (MUST! SWEEP! NOW!), and set to work. Before I got too far I somehow stumbled across this hilarious flow chart here, and wouldn't you know, 5 minutes later I had laced up my shoes and was headed out the door. And its a good thing I did, because if I hadn't I wouldn't have done 3 miles with 9 minute splits. I have a long way to go, but in week 2 I'm only 30 seconds off my 10k race pace. And ya know what... I'm not unhappy with that at all!
Monday, June 13, 2011
Here We Go!
I've sat in the same place I am now - at my desk, staring at this screen – many times, trying to find the right words to get this little bloggy started. After so many failed attempts it’s time to say something, anything, even if it’s not the right thing. So, here it goes!
I'll get to a more complete introduction later, but here is a little about me: I'm a 20-something graduate student with a passion for health care. I'm a former college athlete just getting started in what I hope will be a long, fun running career. An Athlete (Again) is my way of documenting this transition.
Right now I am ready for a challenge. A big, new, exciting challenge. So, I decided that I would get serious about distance running and complete my first marathon. As I was researching races I came across Team in Training, and everything felt right. So, I signed up to run the 2011 Chicago Marathon with TNT.
Team in Training is an AMAZING part of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Its mission is to cure leukemia, lymphoma, Hodgkin's disease and myeloma, and improve the quality of life of patients and their families. So, you ask, where do I come in? As a Team in Training participant I commit to train for and complete the Chicago Marathon as a means to raise money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.
I have so much to talk about! Like WHY I thought it would be a good idea to run a marathon in the first place, WHO I’m running for, WHAT the &#%@ I’m thinking, and HOW I’m getting from 4 miles to 26.2 without dying. And yes, all the gory details. But for now, suffice it to say that I am super excited at the chance to run my first marathon at an elite race like Chicago, all while making a difference in the lives of cancer patients around the country.
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