Got my skinny envelope in the mail yesterday. We all know what that means - they said thanks but no thanks :(
Bummer.
The good thing is that things are starting to come together. I may not LIKE the way the pieces are falling, but at least D and I have a better idea of where we will both be and what we will (or, in my case, won't) be doing. And after the last few weeks of having NO IDEA, that feels kinda nice.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Good News!
D is staying in CA for at least the next 6 months!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nothing yet as far as the big boy job, but the longer he is in CA the more likely that becomes.
YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Now that he's set, let's hope for good news for me in the next week :)
Nothing yet as far as the big boy job, but the longer he is in CA the more likely that becomes.
YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Now that he's set, let's hope for good news for me in the next week :)
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Tap Tap Tap. And Bandwagon.
Hi I'm back!
The holidays were busy. So busy. I cooked a LOT. I ate even more. It was blissful.
But now its 2010 and hopefully I'm back on track here.
Tonight I finally decided to give quinoa a try. I didn't know what to do with it, really, so after a pretty quick search through some of the blogs I frequent (am I the last person to try this stuff?!?!) I decided to go a simple route. Lets just say it was a good decision. I made a really quick saute of cauliflower, brussels sprouts, and carrots with some lime and cilantro and served it with plain quinoa. Deeeeeeeeeeeelicious. Just like everyone says, nutty but not overpowering, and substantial. I'm stuffed. No meat. This is odd for me.
I'm definitely on board with this quinoa thing!
The holidays were busy. So busy. I cooked a LOT. I ate even more. It was blissful.
But now its 2010 and hopefully I'm back on track here.
Tonight I finally decided to give quinoa a try. I didn't know what to do with it, really, so after a pretty quick search through some of the blogs I frequent (am I the last person to try this stuff?!?!) I decided to go a simple route. Lets just say it was a good decision. I made a really quick saute of cauliflower, brussels sprouts, and carrots with some lime and cilantro and served it with plain quinoa. Deeeeeeeeeeeelicious. Just like everyone says, nutty but not overpowering, and substantial. I'm stuffed. No meat. This is odd for me.
I'm definitely on board with this quinoa thing!
Next
There is more news coming.
Hopefully its good. I'm due for some good news, don't you think??
I'll find out about grad school by the end of the month. I'm so so so nervous!
But... even better... we find out where D will be for at least the next 6 months (in a position that will hopefully become permanent) TOMORROW!!!!! Either way is ok, but we're hoping he stays out in California. We like it there. So much warmer than NY :)
So, readers. Keep a good thought for me, will ya?
Hopefully its good. I'm due for some good news, don't you think??
I'll find out about grad school by the end of the month. I'm so so so nervous!
But... even better... we find out where D will be for at least the next 6 months (in a position that will hopefully become permanent) TOMORROW!!!!! Either way is ok, but we're hoping he stays out in California. We like it there. So much warmer than NY :)
So, readers. Keep a good thought for me, will ya?
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Its been a Rough Week
I'm going to be more depressing.
My uncle, my dad's oldest brother, broke his back many many years ago. Twice. Due to these injuries he had many many surgeries, most of which to remove scar tissue that built up and put pressure on his spinal cord. Yeah, ow. During one of these surgeries my uncle contracted Hepatitis C, for which there is no cure, and spent a long long time living with it well managed.
As my uncle got older he got more and more weak, and his hepatitis was able to overcome his immune system. He was sick more often, and hospitalized for pneumonia more often. As time went on he spent more and more time with pneumonia and more and more time in the hospital.
In October we got the tough news that my uncle didn't have much time left. Months, maybe, the doctors told us. Timmy and my aunt decided after one hospitalization that the next time was the last time, and made the choice to not pursue any further treatment. Not long after he got sick again, went to the hospital, was transferred to hospice per his wishes, and the day after Thanksgiving he lost his fight.
My uncle was never one for sadness or for pity. He lived a life full of pain but never complained, never let it interfere with him living his life. His wishes after his death was cremation, which we honored, and a party.
Yes. A party.
We waited until after the holidays, but last weekend many family members and friends made the trip to Rio Rancho, NM for a weekend-long fiesta in his honor. We laughed, cried, hugged, ate, drank (a LOT), danced, sang, and paid our best tribute to my Uncle Tim. I think we did a pretty good job.
William "Tim" Edmund Cozens, Jr
11/4/53 - 11/27/09
"That in death if not life they'll have rest while they sleep
Navigator, navigator, rise up and be strong"
My uncle, my dad's oldest brother, broke his back many many years ago. Twice. Due to these injuries he had many many surgeries, most of which to remove scar tissue that built up and put pressure on his spinal cord. Yeah, ow. During one of these surgeries my uncle contracted Hepatitis C, for which there is no cure, and spent a long long time living with it well managed.
As my uncle got older he got more and more weak, and his hepatitis was able to overcome his immune system. He was sick more often, and hospitalized for pneumonia more often. As time went on he spent more and more time with pneumonia and more and more time in the hospital.
In October we got the tough news that my uncle didn't have much time left. Months, maybe, the doctors told us. Timmy and my aunt decided after one hospitalization that the next time was the last time, and made the choice to not pursue any further treatment. Not long after he got sick again, went to the hospital, was transferred to hospice per his wishes, and the day after Thanksgiving he lost his fight.
My uncle was never one for sadness or for pity. He lived a life full of pain but never complained, never let it interfere with him living his life. His wishes after his death was cremation, which we honored, and a party.
Yes. A party.
We waited until after the holidays, but last weekend many family members and friends made the trip to Rio Rancho, NM for a weekend-long fiesta in his honor. We laughed, cried, hugged, ate, drank (a LOT), danced, sang, and paid our best tribute to my Uncle Tim. I think we did a pretty good job.
William "Tim" Edmund Cozens, Jr
11/4/53 - 11/27/09
"That in death if not life they'll have rest while they sleep
Navigator, navigator, rise up and be strong"
Friday, January 15, 2010
Depressing, sorry. And angry.
I had a rather-successful grad school interview last Monday. I say "rather" because I think it went pretty well, but we will see how the school felt about it sometime before the end of the month. Unfortunately, their opinion is much more important than mine.
The interview was in Portland. I was lucky enough to be able to stay with a few current students while I was there. I walked back to their apartment after the festivities had wrapped up (alone, they were still in class) feeling pretty darn good about myself. I walked in, checked my phone, and with one little text message all those good feelings fell straight to the pit of my stomach.
Let me rewind. My sweet grandmother had been diagnosed with lung cancer a few years ago. She'd been a fighter through it all, trying chemo and radiation and the whole nine yards. Unfortunately, this hadn't helped and she and her doctors had decided to stop treatment a few months ago. Also unfortunately, she hadn't shared that information with anyone in her family - always trying to protect us, my Memere. So when we got a phone call a few months ago that she wasn't doing so well at all, and to brace for impact it was a big surprise. My family was planning a trip to Florida for the end of January to see her one last time.
Did I mention my interview was on Monday? Well on Thursday or Friday we got the worst phone call you can get: get your @$$ to Florida, now. I took my sister to the airport Saturday morning, but what the heck was I going to do? I had been preparing for this interview for a month. It was my first (and only) interview so far. This was important stuff. But my Memere - well, everything was too up in the air to say. I talked to my family about it and decided I would go to Portland on Monday and fly to Florida on Tuesday. It was a terrible decision to have to make, but we all thought it was the right one to make.
Until I got that text message on Monday evening. My family and I had been talking the night before, they were all together in Florida and had called to wish me luck. I hadn't brought my phone with me to the school, but my Mom texted me during the day something most simple: "Please call when you're done, hope it went great! Love you!" And it was so unassuming, so benign, but I knew. I stalled to make that call. I changed and packed and even checked my email. Then I called and my Mom told me that my Memere had passed away that morning, and that she was so sorry that she didn't call earlier but she wanted me to not worry about that, and to do so well at my interview. So we talked for a while about Memere and about her dying and about my interview and I held it together pretty well but as soon as I hung up the phone I totally lost it.
Seriously lost it. I was so afraid the girls were going to walk in and see this mess of a person on their floor, but I didn't really care either. Because that's what you do when your Memere dies.
I have tried to think about, talk about, write about all the emotions that have been running through me since then but I just can't. Its such a mix. Sadness, of course. I miss her, not that I saw her that often, but in that I know that there is this little empty part of my life now where she used to be. And where she will never be again. Relief, that she's not fighting or suffering any more. Graditute that she was my Memere, and that the end was easy. But the biggest one, the one I'm trying to push out the most is guilt. Why didn't I call her more often? Why didn't I go visit more? Why haven't scientists cured cancer yet? Why haven't I cured cancer yet? And most often: Why the hell didn't I skip that stupid interview and go to Florida?
The worst part is that my whole family knows this is how I feel and is, as a result, being so goddamn nice. Telling me how proud they are of me and how I made the right choice to go and how that's what my Memere would have wanted. But they all got to say their goodbyes. They got to hold her hand and tell her that they love her. She saw them there, she knew they were there, and she knew I was not. And that makes me feel god damn awful. And I'm so afriad that I'm going to feel like this for a long long time because there is no closure here, there is no way for me to deal with this except to deal with it. And that sucks.
It comes down to is this: I'd better fucking get in to grad school.
The interview was in Portland. I was lucky enough to be able to stay with a few current students while I was there. I walked back to their apartment after the festivities had wrapped up (alone, they were still in class) feeling pretty darn good about myself. I walked in, checked my phone, and with one little text message all those good feelings fell straight to the pit of my stomach.
Let me rewind. My sweet grandmother had been diagnosed with lung cancer a few years ago. She'd been a fighter through it all, trying chemo and radiation and the whole nine yards. Unfortunately, this hadn't helped and she and her doctors had decided to stop treatment a few months ago. Also unfortunately, she hadn't shared that information with anyone in her family - always trying to protect us, my Memere. So when we got a phone call a few months ago that she wasn't doing so well at all, and to brace for impact it was a big surprise. My family was planning a trip to Florida for the end of January to see her one last time.
Did I mention my interview was on Monday? Well on Thursday or Friday we got the worst phone call you can get: get your @$$ to Florida, now. I took my sister to the airport Saturday morning, but what the heck was I going to do? I had been preparing for this interview for a month. It was my first (and only) interview so far. This was important stuff. But my Memere - well, everything was too up in the air to say. I talked to my family about it and decided I would go to Portland on Monday and fly to Florida on Tuesday. It was a terrible decision to have to make, but we all thought it was the right one to make.
Until I got that text message on Monday evening. My family and I had been talking the night before, they were all together in Florida and had called to wish me luck. I hadn't brought my phone with me to the school, but my Mom texted me during the day something most simple: "Please call when you're done, hope it went great! Love you!" And it was so unassuming, so benign, but I knew. I stalled to make that call. I changed and packed and even checked my email. Then I called and my Mom told me that my Memere had passed away that morning, and that she was so sorry that she didn't call earlier but she wanted me to not worry about that, and to do so well at my interview. So we talked for a while about Memere and about her dying and about my interview and I held it together pretty well but as soon as I hung up the phone I totally lost it.
Seriously lost it. I was so afraid the girls were going to walk in and see this mess of a person on their floor, but I didn't really care either. Because that's what you do when your Memere dies.
I have tried to think about, talk about, write about all the emotions that have been running through me since then but I just can't. Its such a mix. Sadness, of course. I miss her, not that I saw her that often, but in that I know that there is this little empty part of my life now where she used to be. And where she will never be again. Relief, that she's not fighting or suffering any more. Graditute that she was my Memere, and that the end was easy. But the biggest one, the one I'm trying to push out the most is guilt. Why didn't I call her more often? Why didn't I go visit more? Why haven't scientists cured cancer yet? Why haven't I cured cancer yet? And most often: Why the hell didn't I skip that stupid interview and go to Florida?
The worst part is that my whole family knows this is how I feel and is, as a result, being so goddamn nice. Telling me how proud they are of me and how I made the right choice to go and how that's what my Memere would have wanted. But they all got to say their goodbyes. They got to hold her hand and tell her that they love her. She saw them there, she knew they were there, and she knew I was not. And that makes me feel god damn awful. And I'm so afriad that I'm going to feel like this for a long long time because there is no closure here, there is no way for me to deal with this except to deal with it. And that sucks.
It comes down to is this: I'd better fucking get in to grad school.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
A Confession
A little while ago I posted about two of my New Year's Resolutions. I'll finish with that soon enough, but in the meantime, I have a confession to make.
I've totally set myself up for failure.
My two goals are not "lose ten pounds" or "buy less stuff'. No. My goals are huge, life changing things. Grad school. An engagement. This is heavy stuff. And here's the truth: there is no way both can happen this year.
If I do get in to grad school (I find out before the end of the month... PLEASE keep a good thought for me!) I'll be moving to Oregon in June. D will be... well, we still don't know where he will be, but it sure won't be Oregon. And with as hard as a long-distance relationship is, neither of us is very interested in a long-distance engagement or long distance marriage. Yuk. And we agree that we are not multi-year engagement people. When we do get engaged it won't be a hypothetical, "when" we get married. It will be a set-the-date, find-a-caterer, thank-god-we-know-a-photographer-because-otherwise-this-would-be-hell, lets do this kind of thing.
And if I don't get into grad school, well, we're still more or less stuck. We still don't know where D will be with work, and what my next step will be. We pretty much have no idea what is going to be happening in either of our lives in a year, six months, hell, in six weeks. Yes, it is very frustrating. But yes, it is very exciting!
I think that when this year is over and I look back on it all, I'll be completely totally 100% thrilled if just one of these things happen. 2010, bring it on :)
I've totally set myself up for failure.
My two goals are not "lose ten pounds" or "buy less stuff'. No. My goals are huge, life changing things. Grad school. An engagement. This is heavy stuff. And here's the truth: there is no way both can happen this year.
If I do get in to grad school (I find out before the end of the month... PLEASE keep a good thought for me!) I'll be moving to Oregon in June. D will be... well, we still don't know where he will be, but it sure won't be Oregon. And with as hard as a long-distance relationship is, neither of us is very interested in a long-distance engagement or long distance marriage. Yuk. And we agree that we are not multi-year engagement people. When we do get engaged it won't be a hypothetical, "when" we get married. It will be a set-the-date, find-a-caterer, thank-god-we-know-a-photographer-because-otherwise-this-would-be-hell, lets do this kind of thing.
And if I don't get into grad school, well, we're still more or less stuck. We still don't know where D will be with work, and what my next step will be. We pretty much have no idea what is going to be happening in either of our lives in a year, six months, hell, in six weeks. Yes, it is very frustrating. But yes, it is very exciting!
I think that when this year is over and I look back on it all, I'll be completely totally 100% thrilled if just one of these things happen. 2010, bring it on :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)